i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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