Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
