Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
