i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
