we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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