I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize