tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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