he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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