The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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