Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
