Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
