I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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