You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
