I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
