nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
