I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
