You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
