I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I only lived at night.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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