if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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