Just fell off a train. Bad.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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