dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
