Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
