Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
