dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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