not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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