I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
