The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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