Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
