Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
