i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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