I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
