I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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