I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
