I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
