at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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