I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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