I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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