I just cut my nipple shaving
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize