also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
