Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
