What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
