i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
