I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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