I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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