3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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