I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
