My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
