Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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