Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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