Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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