i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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