I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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