i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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