I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize