At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Randomize