Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
