I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
