My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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