Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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