i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
