mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
my liver is dry heaving
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
