in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You've changed since you got that strap on
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
