took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
