The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
