So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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