He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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