another moral hangover. fuck.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you inspire me to be a worse person
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Randomize