I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
